


Eight Count

by LordofKavaka



Series: Bum Rush [1]
Category: Castle
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, Character Study, Declarations Of Love, Developing Relationship, F/M, Friendship/Love, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, POV Female Character, Realization, Surgery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-16
Updated: 2011-06-28
Packaged: 2017-10-28 20:57:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 20,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/312115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LordofKavaka/pseuds/LordofKavaka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She had lost her captain—her friend and mentor; she could not lose him as well. Not when there was so much left unsaid, so much more that she wanted to tell him, that she needed to tell him. Post-KNOCKOUT AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> All right, so I know post-Knockout fics have been done to death (no pun intended), but I just had to but my two-cents in. Hope you all enjoy!  
> The title refers to a Standing Eight Count, which in boxing occurs when the referee stops the fight and counts to eight. During this time, the referee will determine if the boxer can continue. I thought the boxing term seemed appropriate, considering almost all of the Beckett's Mom's Case episodes have had a related boxing title.  
> Be forewarn, even though I've rated this T, I have still used a few choice words here and there.

Detective Kate Beckett stood there watching as the honor guard folded the flag. She swallowed hard, and looked away for a moment. There was a small part of her that felt wrong being here, paying homage to the man that had kept such a terrible secret from her. But whatever his mistakes and flaws, Montgomery was not the villain in all this. He had not killed her mother. His actions with Raglan and McCallister might have led to her mother's death, but it had not been him. Dick Coonan had been the hired gun, but even he had taken orders from someone else.

That man, whoever he was, obviously held a lot of influence. Replaying everything in her mind, Beckett had a sinking feeling he was someone powerful, someone it would be next to impossible to take down without any evidence. The part of her that felt betrayed and angry resurfaced for a moment. She was angry at Montgomery for dying on her. He had been her friend, her mentor. It was because of him that she was the cop she was today. He had trained her; she was his protégé. His legacy… his redemption for past sins.

But Roy Montgomery was not going to pay the price for the mistakes of others. Beckett did not want anyone to know what had really happened. Before the funeral, she called Castle, Ryan, and Esposito over to her place, where she made it clear that, on no certain terms, the truth would stay buried, that it would not leave "this immediate family." If the truth ever did come out, it was not going to come from them. For sacrificing himself to protect her, Beckett owed him that much.

Taking a deep breath, Beckett walked up to the podium. She pulled a folded piece of paper from her jacket pocket and slowly spread it out, placing it down flat on the podium. Taking a quick breath, she opened her mouth.

"Roy Montgomery taught me what it meant to be a cop," Beckett spoke into the microphone. Her voice was stronger than she had expected it to be, which surprised her, because her emotions were still much closer to the surface than she would have liked to admit. "He taught me that we are bound by our choices, but we are more than our mistakes." She paused and swallowed, looking down at her prepared notes. "Captain Montgomery once said to me that for us, there is no victory… there are only battles. And in the end, the best that you can hope for is to find a place to make your stand."

Swallowing hard, Beckett glanced down and saw the words she had added at the last minute. She was still debating over whether or not to say them. Taking a quick breath, she decided to say them. Life was too short to waste time. Montgomery had also taught her that. "And if your very lucky… you find someone willing to stand with you," she paused and glanced over at Castle, locking eyes with him for a moment.

Those words rang so true. Castle had never once left her side. Sure, he had unknowingly broken her heart last summer, but that was really her fault for not seeing what was right in front of her. She had been afraid of letting him in, of opening herself. Apparently everyone else had seen it. From Lanie and Esposito to Royce and Montgomery. All of them had seen it, and known what she had refused to see herself. The words from Royce's letter repeated in her mind:  _It's clear that you and Castle have something real. And you're fighting it. But trust me, putting the job in front of your heart is a mistake. Risking our hearts is why we're alive. The last thing you want is to look back on your life and wonder… if only_.

Looking over at Castle, Beckett wondered if he knew how she felt. Admitting it to herself had been more difficult than she had thought it would be. Yet she knew telling him would be even harder. Castle could always read her, he had been able to tell her story when they had just met. But she was always one to keep things close to the chest. He had had to work hard to pry out any information about her mother's case. And when he had, she had felt betrayed and violated. It had taken her a long time to realize he had only done what he had because he cared about her. And now she was finding she wanted him to care even more about her.

She wished she could read him like he could read her. Beckett could always read a suspect, know what they were thinking, but not so with Castle. Castle was different. He hid behind a childish playboy persona, one that had slowly disappeared over the past year. She had begun seeing more of what she believed was the real Richard Castle, the loving father and son, the man who would do anything for those he cared about. Hell, he had tossed away $100,000 like it was nothing, just because it could help her find her mother's killer. He had even flown to L.A. and stood by her side to help her avenge Royce's death, a man Castle had no reason to care about. It had been important to her, so it had become important to him, too.

Taking a deep breath, Beckett forced her gaze away, and turned back to her notes. "Our Captain would want us to carrying on the fight," she continued. "And even if there—"

"KATE!"

Suddenly Castle was diving in front of her. Beckett heard the unmistakable sound of a bullet echoing through the cemetery. Her world spun and she was falling to the ground, Castle on top of her. For one panicked moment she thought she had been hit, but there was no pain, nothing to indicate she had been shot.

Castle let out a gasp, his mouth hanging open, and his eyes wide.

"No," she whimpered softly as Castle's weight went dead and he collapsed beside her. She spun around, her heart jumping into her throat. Out of everything that had happened, this was the worse. She had just lost the captain—her friend and mentor; she could not lose Castle, as well. Not when there was so much left unsaid.

As she moved over him, immediately pressing a hand down on the growing red stain collecting on his shirt, Beckett placed a hand under his neck, supporting his head. "No… Castle. Stay with me, Castle. Don't leave me," she begged, her world slowly slipping away as his eyes glazed over. Damn it, why did he have to jump in front of her, the bullet was obviously meant for her! "Stay with me, okay?" her voice cracked.

His breath came out in a raspy groan. "Kate…," he gasped her name, his voice pleading, a single tear escaping as his eyes franticly looked around for her. Finding her, he let out a soft breath and a slight grin tugged at his lips. "Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate."

Tears formed in her eyes as she tried choking them back. She had waited so long to hear him say that, why did he have to wait until now! But then his head was moving back and his eyes closing. Beckett shook her head, a sob working its way out of her throat. "No… Castle… don't! Rick… Rick?"

He didn't respond.

"No," she whimpered out, doubling over. She leaned forward, placing her forehead against his. "Don't leave me, Castle… I… I love you."

XXX

She sat there in the waiting room, wearing a navy blue NYPD hoodie and matching sweats. She couldn't stand being in her dress blues, especially with Castle's blood on them. Esposito had been kind enough to stop by the Twelfth and pick them up before meeting her at the hospital. She had long since undone the tight bun and let her hair down. The long tresses cascaded down over her face as both a sign and cover of her grief. Beckett had rode to the hospital in the ambulance with Castle and the EMTs. She had felt guilty about rushing pass Alexis and Martha, and taking the only other available seat, but she couldn't just leave his side, not after hearing the confession he had just made.

The ride over to the hospital had been frightening. Castle had almost flatlined twice. The two incidents gave her a rational reason to excuse her rudeness in pushing his family aside; her mind telling her it would have been terrible for Alexis or Martha to have witnessed that. Hell, it wasn't easy for her, and she was a cop. But she was still in a state of shock and not completely there. When they arrived at the hospital and the EMTs pulled the gurney out of the ambulance, Beckett was shocked to see that Josh was the doctor waiting for them outside the E.R. entrance. She was slightly flustered, not knowing how to act around him with everything that had happened. He locked eyes with her and gave her a slight nod, telling her with just one look that he was not there to make a scene, that he was only there to his job… to help.

She gave a quick nod and then was ushered back by the EMTs and nurses as they flew about Castle, Josh asking questions as they wheeled him inside. She followed behind the mob, unsure what to do with herself. Halfway down the hall, a nurse stopped her and directed her to a waiting room.

Beckett had been the first there, having rode in the ambulance. So, not knowing what else to do, and needing something to do, she filled out the paperwork that one of the nurses had given her. She knew she wasn't technically family, but Castle had given her power-of-attorney when it came to this sort of stuff. He had done it around the same time he had asked her if she would become Alexis's legal guardian, just in case anything ever happened to him. That had shocked her, because Meredith, Alexis's mom, was still around. Yet Castle _had_  gotten sole custody of Alexis in the divorce for a reason. So, Beckett had agreed. Now she sat there, filling out the paperwork, using it as a mechanism to cope with what had happened by concentrating on it while Castle was rushed into surgery.

That was more than four hours ago. Now they were all there, sitting and waiting. The room had gone silent, except for the quiet conversations by hospital staff members and some other people who were awaiting news of their loved ones. They weren't there alone. Apparently there had been a devastating wreck a couple of blocks from the cemetery. Beckett's first thought had been that it was related, that in his haste to escape the bastard had ran a red light, causing the car accident. But when Ryan and Esposito came back with the preliminary report from the first responders, that idea was quickly dismissed. It was just a tragic coincidence.

Alexis had zoned out an hour ago, having cried herself nearly to exhaustion. The skin around her eyes was puffy and red. She was sitting on one of the couches leaning into her grandmother's arms. Beckett could tell that Martha was barely holding it together, but was doing so for her granddaughter. Beckett had no idea what must be running through Martha's mind. Beckett had lost a mother, not a son. She knew both were equally tragic, but to lose a child… that just seemed worse.

Lanie and Jenny were huddled in the corner consoling one another as their significant others had left to help coordinate the search for the shooter. There was part of Beckett that thought she should be out there with them, looking for the bastard that had tried to kill her, and might have succeeded if it hadn't been for Castle and his stupid heroics. But she had to admit that she was in no condition for that. She would be too distracted, worrying about Castle.

And she might not be able to guarantee she would not try and kill the bastard if they found him. In L.A., Castle had asked how close she had come to killing Ganz. She hadn't answered him then, partly because she didn't want to admit that if it hadn't been for him calling her name she might have pulled the trigger. But this time, if she were out there, she would squeeze that trigger, because Castle would not be there to stop her. And because she wanted the bastard dead for threatening the man she—

"Katie?"

Beckett jumped, startled when her father's hand touched her shoulder. She swallowed and looked up, seeing Jim Beckett looking down at her with sympathetic eyes. Her voice caught in her throat as she opened her mouth to respond, unable to find the words. She just shook her head, tears welling up in her eyes.

" _Daddy_?" she choked out in a pleading voice. God, she hated how pathetic she sounded.

He knelt down beside her and pulled her into his arms. Beckett let herself go and she cried, burying her head in her father's chest, needing the protection and support of his comforting arms. She did not know how long he held her, or how long she cried, she just lost herself in her grief. Eventually, she calmed down a bit, and he got up to go get them some coffee. Jenny went with him. Martha got up and announced she was taking Alexis home to "wash up and get a few things." Beckett nodded, swallowing hard as she glanced up at Castle's bereaved daughter, unable to look her in the eyes.

Before she knew it, the teen's arms were wrapped around her neck, and the two of them simply held on to one another for a moment before Martha placed a hand on Alexis's shoulder.

"Call if anything happens," Alexis pleaded in a soft voice.

Beckett nodded that she would, swallowing hard before giving the teen one more squeeze. She watched as Alexis sagged against her grandmother as the two left the waiting room through the automatic doors. Beckett closed her eyes and held back the tears. Oh, how she wished she could take away Alexis's pain!

"How're you holding up?"

Sucking in a breath, she glanced up to see Lanie sitting next to her. "Lanie… I… I don't know," Beckett admitted, her voice raw with emotion. "Damn it, why did he have to jump in front of me?"

Lanie placed an arm around her shoulder, giving her an understanding hug. "I think we all know why," was her response.

Beckett let out a sad laugh. "Yeah, I guess we do," she replied mournfully, no longer denying it.

"Kate?" Lanie questioned, narrowing her eyes, obviously surprised at Beckett's lack of any denial.

Knowing it was futile to holdout on her friend, Beckett relented and looked up, letting out a long heavy sigh. "He told me, Lanie," she said in a soft voice, almost afraid that saying it out loud would mean it was not real, that it had been a dream.

"Told you  _what_?" Lanie asked, furrowing her brow.

"He confessed his love!" she nearly snapped. The other people in the waiting room looked up and Beckett closed her eyes, blushing slightly with embarrassment. She heaved in a deep breath and pinched the bridge of her nose, looking away before she continued. "Lying there, in my arms,  _dying_ …," her voice choked up. "Oh God, Lanie. His last words were not a plea to see his daughter… or mother. Not for his family. No. All he could think about was… was  _me_!" Her voice choked back as the tears threatened. She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, trying to contain her emotions. "The last thing he wanted to do in this world was tell me that he loves me. Why? Oh, why, Lanie?  _Why_?"

Lanie took a deep breath and hugged her closer. "Because he does, girl," the M.E. answered, trying to lighten the mood a bit by using that affectionate endearment. It helped a little. "That man fell for you the moment you met each other. Heck, I don't know if he even realized it at the time, but he did. He fell hard. Why the hell do you think he left when he did last summer?"

"I… I…," Beckett stammered, only half suspecting, but not trusting whether she was right or not.

"Because he couldn't stand seeing you with someone else," Lanie put in before Beckett could say anything. "Hell, girl, that man loves you so much he was willing to let you go so you'd be happy. He was never committed to getting back with Gina. He tried, yes, because he believed that he couldn't have you. And when he couldn't get what he wanted from her, he broke that off, but by then he was too late, your heart was still broken… and, well… you had moved on."

" _Moved on_?" Beckett was confused. How could she have moved on from Castle when they had never, well…  _been_?

Lanie sighed, knowing she wasn't getting through. "Look, Kate," she said softly, placing a hand on Beckett's. "Really, were you ever going to open your eyes and see what was right in front of you?"

Backing out a Lanie's hold, Beckett bit her bottom lip and averted her eyes, placing her hands in her lap. "I almost… in L.A.," she spoke softly, not completely trusting herself to actually admit it. But what did she have to lose now? Especially when she might actually be losing  _him_  as she sat here opening up to her best friend. "One night, we… we stayed up talking, and then… then we had this moment… I think?" she knitted her eyebrows together, still confused… always confused.

Lanie didn't push and let her work through it herself.

Taking a breath, she continued. "He asked me if I wanted to know what he thought of me when we first met. I had laughed, knowing Castle it was going to be something loaded with innuendo. But then he started talking, and he was so serious… it worried me." She paused, closing her eyes as she took a breath. His words were seared into her memory. "He… he told me that  _I_  was a mystery he was never going to solve. He told me that even after all the time we've spent together, he was still amazed at the depths of my strength, my heart and… and…," she smiled softly, remembering (it was totally Castle to say it), "my… my _hotness_." The smile broke through for just a second, and then it vanished.

Lanie chuckled softly, nodding. "That's our writer boy," she agreed.

"But that wasn't where it ended, Lanie," Beckett confided. God, she had replayed this conversation over so many times in her mind it was almost like a second skin. "I… I looked up at him, straight into his eyes, and said,  _you're not so bad, yourself, Castle_." She paused and took a breath to calm her nerves. It had been one of the few times she had actually ever said something to him that might have revealed her true feelings. She was still stunned she had actually said it. It was hard for her to confide in others, and Lanie knew this. Beckett was grateful that the M.E. let her continue at her own pace. "Then…," she continued, "we… we just stared at each other for this  _long_  moment. And… and I…"

"You got scared," Lanie finished, nodding, completely understanding.

Beckett bobbed her head. "You know me so well," she said, her eyes glazing over with the memories of her internal struggle. "I got up, said it was late and that we should get some sleep. I went to my room… and then… then… Lanie, I changed my mind. I opened the door. I don't know what I was planning, but all I knew was I wanted him… to be with him… with Castle, in every sense of the word. But I was too late, he had already gone to his room."

"What are you trying to tell me?" Lanie gasped, obviously shocked, and lowered her voice. "Were… were you going to  _sleep_  with him?"

"I think so, yes," she nodded, brushing her hair away from her face, not even bothering to hide her blushed cheeks from having admitted something she never thought she would.

"What… what about Josh?" Lanie stammered out, still in a daze of shock.

Beckett laughed sadly and shook her head. "Lanie, you know me. Would I have really even considered sleeping with Castle if I was still seeing someone else? Besides, I had already ended it with Josh a couple of weeks before…," she paused and risked a glance up at Lanie when her friend didn't respond. "Don't act too surprised."

"Oh, come on, Kate, we all knew you weren't really committed to that relationship," Lanie said, placing a hand on her arm. "Well, maybe not  _all_  of us. But I knew. From the start, I knew. Josh was always just the rebound guy after Castle unknowingly broke your heart."

"What... no… I… you?" Beckett knitted her eyebrows together, shaking her head, unable to form a coherent sentence. Pausing and heaving in a deep breath, she closed her eyes and collected herself. "How did you know?"

"You forget whom you're talking to, sweetie," Lanie squeezed her arm. "I speak for the dead, but I can read the living just as well."

Beckett sighed and gave a nod. "He's here, you know… Josh, I mean. He's the one operating on Castle."

Lanie opened her eyes wide. "Boy, that must be awkward for him…," she said, then added, "and you."

Beckett nodded and let out a long breath. " _You have no idea_. He… When I saw him at the loading bay, I had no idea how to react…," she said.

"Did he know?" Lanie questioned. "I mean, that you broke up with him because you had feelings for Castle?"

"I… um… I don't know, maybe, I think he might have suspected," Beckett admitted it for the first time. She and Josh had had arguments about Castle, about how much time she had spent with her "shadow," with that "annoying writer that keeps following me around." Josh had never understood her relationship with Castle, and never really accepted the "we're just friends" line, because, in all honesty, they weren't.

Castle was more than just a friend, more than just her partner. He was the man she loved. Josh had been gracious about it, but Beckett knew it had hurt him, that he had truly developed feelings for her. She felt ashamed that she was unable to return them, but deep down, Beckett knew, that when it came down to it, she had never expected anything long term with Josh. Lanie was right. He had been the rebound guy, the guy she had hoped would help her get over Castle. But, he didn't. No man could ever help her get over Castle, because unlike any other man she had ever developed feelings for, she had quite literally fallen for him, head deep… head-over-heels. Castle was it. He was her one and done, she just never had wanted to admit it.

After having confessed more than she had intended, Beckett withdrew. Lanie, being the good friend that she was, didn't press, and simply held her as they waited for news. Her father and Jenny returned with coffee and Beckett sat quietly, sipping the strong brew, remaining silent. Her father took Lanie's place, and he just held her in his protective arms. She felt like she was a little girl, afraid of the dark, and needing her daddy to check under the bed and in the closet for monsters.

Martha and Alexis finally returned, and Beckett noticed that the two were carrying overnight bags. Her father must have caught her eye on the bags, because he offered to go to her apartment and pick up a few things for her. She smiled softly, and thanked him, giving him her spare key. He hugged her close and whispered words of reassurance, the kind of reassurance that only a parent could give to a child. When he backed up, he ran his hand down the side of her face and kissed her forehead, an act the Beckett found surprisingly comforting. Lanie decided to go with him, needing to get some air, and to help in selecting the more personal items that the M.E. knew the detective would be embarrassed to have her father retrieve for her.

Unlike Lanie, Beckett didn't very much feel like getting any air. She preferred to stay where she was, underneath the flickering florescent lights, awaiting news on Castle. However, when the younger Castle approached her and asked if she'd go outside with her, Beckett nodded. She could not refuse Alexis, not now. Getting up, she was slightly surprised when the younger Castle wrapped an arm around hers as they made their way towards the outside terrace.


	2. Chapter 2

Walking out into the cool night air, Beckett closed her eyes and stepped into the wind, which, quite literally, gathered up her hair. Under different circumstances she might have laughed, but right now all she could manage was a soft sad smile as she thought,  _Good. No one will see my tears_. She had made fun of him then, but she had actually found it very moving. Derrick Storm had been a big part of her life and it had been sad to see those stories come to an end. Reading those books had helped her through difficult times. It had been his first book,  _In a Hail of Bullets_ , which had given her an escape from the trauma of her mother's death. And now, she felt she had to return the favor, by helping his daughter through this.

Blinking away the tears that had gathered around the corners of her eyes seeking release, Beckett looked over at Alexis. The teen—well, to be honest, Alexis was really a young woman now—had her own hair tied into a loose ponytail. Her expression was forlorn and distant. The sparkle Beckett had always seen in those blue eyes was gone. She looked sad and isolated, alone. As they stepped out further onto the terrace, Alexis detached herself from Beckett and wandered over to the railing, lowering her head and hugging herself. The open aired terrace was empty saved them.

Inhaling slowly through her nose, Beckett took a hesitant step towards the Alexis, watching as the teen succumbed to her emotions and started sobbing, her small frame rocking with all her fears and anxiety. Immediately, forgetting her own worries, she rushed forward and pulled the trembling girl into her arms. Beckett did her best to comfort and soothe the distraught girl, but in all honesty, it was hard. Beckett knew what it felt like to have a parent snatched away. But Beckett had been older than Alexis when it had happened to her. Still, no one could ever be prepared for having a loved one stolen from them.

Hugging Alexis tight, allowing the girl to cry on her shoulder, Beckett bit down on her lower lip and looked out at the life beyond the terrace. The city streets were all aglow in the early evening sky, cars bustled back and forth, and people went on with their own little worlds as if nothing had happened. Lights beamed out from office buildings; business didn't slow to a crawl or stop because someone you cared about had been hurt. The world went on. Life went on. She had repeated the very same words to herself the day her mother had died. They had brought her little comfort then, they brought even less now.

For Beckett it had been the escape into Richard Castle's books that had helped her. His world was easier to understand. The bad guys always got caught, and the good guys always won. _If only the real world could be like that_ , Beckett sighed. Talking with Lanie about what Castle had said before he blacked out, and about what had almost happened in L.A., had helped her. Speaking a loud the thoughts and truths of what Castle really meant to her had temporarily distracted her. However, the reality of what had happened was hitting her again, and she, herself, was having trouble keeping it all bottled up.

So, Beckett did the only thing she could, she surrendered to those feelings, and cried along with Castle's daughter. It was a powerful thing, sharing grief with someone else. Beckett had never really had that before. When her mother had died, Jim Beckett had used alcohol to dull the pain, so her father had never really been around to help her grieve. She had to help save him instead. It took her a long time, but eventually she had. Now, with Alexis, Beckett was feeling, for the first time, what it felt like to have someone to share the pain and grief with.

They stayed like that, hugging one another and crying for God knows how long. When they had finally cried themselves dry, Alexis backed up, and sighed deeply, looking up at her. "Thank you, Detective," she murmured softly.

"Kate," Beckett replied in a quiet voice. "You can call be Kate, Alexis."

Alexis nodded. "Okay… Kate," the teen tried it out and smiled sadly. "But really, thank you. I… I really needed that. I needed to get out of there and simply cry with someone. Gram's trying to be strong for me, but I know she's hurting inside, that she's going through the same thing… probably even worse… Dad's always joking… but… well, she… but she's trying…"

"I know," Beckett caressed the girl's face, and pulled her back into another hug. "I know."

Having been somewhat in her place, Beckett knew that what Alexis needed right now was someone to simply hold her. So Beckett did for Alexis, what her father had been unable to do for her when her mother had been murdered.

XXX

After twenty more minutes of simply holding one another, they went back into the waiting room. The first thing Beckett noticed was that her father had returned. He was seated next to Martha, one arm over her shoulder as he comforted her. He locked eyes with Beckett and they shared a brief communication. He was telling her that Martha needed some time before she could grieve with her granddaughter, so Beckett deposited an exhausted Alexis on one of the couches. She rummaged through one of the overnight bags they had brought and found a blanket. She placed it over the younger Castle, running her hand down her arm, telling her to try and get some sleep.

Closing her eyes before she stood, Beckett was surprised when Alexis grabbed her hand. "You try and get some sleep, too, Kate," she said. "You… you need it, probably more than I do. And… and my dad's going to need you if…," she swallowed and closed her eyes and corrected herself, " _when_  he recovers."

Beckett gave a soft smile and assured Alexis that she would try. Nodding, Alexis let go of her hand and turned back into the couch, trying to get some sleep. Standing, Beckett glanced around and spotted Ryan and Esposito The pair were speaking in hushed voices in the corner with Lanie. Jenny was seated not far away from them. Everyone looked exhausted. Beckett didn't even want to think about what she herself might look like. Taking a deep breath, she walked over to the two detectives.

"Any leads?" she asked, letting out a frustrated breath as she pushed her hair back from her face.

Esposito looked up and shook his head. "Negative."

"The guy was a pro," added Ryan. "He policed his brass."

Beckett nodded, knitting her eyebrows together, going into thinking mode. It helped to concentrate on the case rather than what was happening in the operating room. "So we're looking for a professional," she repeated. "Who's smart enough to clean up after himself, yet panics when he misses his target."

"Huh?" Esposito raised his eyebrows, confused.

Beckett blinked and looked over at him. "Come on, guys, we all know I was the target instead of…" she said, letting her voice drop off. She couldn't bring herself to say his name, as if it would make everything just the more real.

"Right," Ryan said with a nod, covering for her. "So?"

"If I was the target, then why aren't I dead?" Beckett questioned, looking at them, hoping they understood what she was getting at.

"Um…," Ryan's eyes darted around as he searched for an answer.

"The guy panicked," Esposito nodded, the light of understanding coming to his eyes.

"Huh? I still don't get it?" Ryan questioned.

"Dude! The guy's pro enough to police his brass, but not enough to stay and complete the job," Esposito clarified for his partner.

"Oh, I see," Ryan nodded. He narrowed his eyes, glancing over at the other people sharing the waiting room with them, the people whose loved ones had been in the car wreck a couple of blocks from the cemetery. Blinking, he looked back to Beckett and Esposito. "Then maybe I do have a lead after all." He paused and licked his lips as he brought out his notepad. "I don't think that that accident was a coincidence like we originally thought."

"Talk to me," Beckett said, much as she would if they were back in the precinct.

Ryan bobbed his head, looking relieved to have something that was normal and familiar. "From the traffic cam, we've got a shot of a SUV running the light," he informed her.

"SUV? What kind?" Beckett fired off.

Ryan flipped through his notepad. "Black Escalade, pricey too."

"Did the traffic cam get a shot of the plates?" Beckett asked.

"You think he might be our guy?" Esposito questioned.

Beckett nodded. "My gut's telling me it's a likely possibility," she confirmed. She turned back to Ryan. "The plates?"

Ryan shook his head. "The photo's not all the great, a little blurry, the guy was going like seventy in a twenty-five zone," he informed her. "I've sent it to the computer techs, but I'm not expecting anything until the morning."

"What?" Beckett lowered her brow and shook her head. "No. Not good enough. You call them now! Wake them up if you have to, but get it done. NOW!"

"Whoa, Kate," Lanie stepped in. "Take it easy, girl. It's late, nothing more can be done tonight."

"But, Lanie… Castle…" she choked. She gritted her teeth and pointed a shaky finger towards the doors leading to the operating room. "Right now, he's in there, lying on some operating table fighting for his life! And I… I can't do anything to help him! I can't just stand here, Lanie, and do nothing!"

"Shh, hun," Lanie said, wrapping her up in her arms and pulling her aside. She looked over her shoulder and gave her boyfriend a look. Esposito took the hint and he turned to his partner. The two detectives moved away to give the two women some space. Lanie turned back to Beckett. "You  _are_  doing something. Staying here, thinking of him… you're giving him your strength…," she lowered her voice, "your  _love_. And right now, more than anything else, that's what Castle needs."

Beckett clenched her jaw shut and closed her eyes, willing the tears away. She hated feeling like this. It was one of the reasons why she had been denying her feelings for Castle for so long. She hated feeling useless and vulnerable. She hated the pain and the hurt. But most of all, she hated the waiting. It seemed endless and it was insufferable. She felt like she was drowning in a sea of anguish and that there was no light above, no surface to break through to breathe. God, how she hated Castle right now! She hated him for getting shot, for telling her he loved her, and then leaving her. Letting out a soft cry, Beckett pushed away from Lanie and backed up into the wall, sliding down to the floor, hugging her legs to her chest.

Lanie knelt down beside her and wrapped her arms around her. Her friend placed her head close to hers and murmured out words of comfort and reassurance, but Beckett was deaf to them. Nothing could ease this pain, this hollow feeling in the center of her chest.

"Oh, darling, come here," came the voice of Castle's mother. Before she knew it, Lanie was gone and Martha had replaced her. The older woman placed her arms around Beckett's trembling frame. "Don't go beating yourself up over this, dear. Richard can be stubborn and stupid sometimes, but his heart is always in the right place. He'd do it again, if it meant saving you. And I'm sure if he was here now, he'd tell you the same thing."

 _God_ , Beckett thought,  _it's almost like she can read my mind_.

"He loves you, you know," Martha said matter-of-factly. Beckett sniffled and looked up into the older woman's eyes. The diva gave her a sad smile and a knowing look. "But I think you already knew that."

Beckett gave a weak nod. "I love him, Martha," she squeaked out, hardly believing she was telling Castle's mother this. "I love him, and… and I never told him."

"You'll tell him," Martha asserted, hugging her closer, and then repeating herself. "You'll tell him."

XXX

It was past midnight before Beckett managed to get any sleep. As usual, after admitting more than she intended, Beckett shut down and withdrew into herself. She was exhausted, but that was not the reason for her withdrawal. It was the pain and misery of knowing Castle was fighting for his life and there was not a goddamn thing she could do, but wait.

Beckett stayed curled up by the wall for sometime, her father and Martha taking turns comforting her. She had to admire Martha's strength. The woman was no doubt torn up inside over what was happening to her son, yet she managed to remain calm and collected, setting aside her own grief to help the others, namely Alexis and Beckett. Beckett found it odd how emotional she was. It was almost like she actually was Castle's girlfriend or something. At least, that's how she suspected outsiders, with how she was reacting, probably saw her.

Eventually Beckett found herself sitting on the couch with Alexis, cradling the younger woman's head in her lap, much like her own mother had done for her when she was upset, sad, or just needed her mother's presence. It was there, with Castle's daughter's head in her lap, where Beckett managed to sleep.

As she slept, she dreamed of possible futures, of a life with Castle and the joys and sorrows that could bring, but mainly the joys. Life with Castle would be fun. Hell, it already was. Montgomery was right when he had said that before Castle she wasn't having any fun. Castle brought out so much in her that she thought had been lost. She was slowly starting to realize that he was something worth fighting for, something worth taking that jump, that leap of faith, as it were.

Waking with a start, Beckett spotted an unpleasant sight. Josh was here, standing in the waiting room in his green scrubs. His back was turned and he was talking with her dad. Her father's eyes caught sight of her and he raised his hand, excusing himself. Josh gave a nod and he turned his head to follow Jim Beckett as he walked over to his daughter.

Beckett blinked back the fog of sleep. Aware of the sleeping teen in her lap, she gingerly stretched her arms. She avoided Josh's eyes, feeling awkward having her ex-boyfriend be the one to have operated on the man she had most likely left him for, though had yet to admit it to herself at the time of the break up.

When her father was close enough, she reached up and grabbed his hand. "Castle?" she asked in a weak voice.

"According to Dr. Davidson, he's stabilized," her father said, squeezing her hand.

She knitted her eyebrows together, confused. She had never introduced Josh to her father, though she had told him she had been seeing someone, and that she had broken it off. Beckett couldn't remember if she had ever actually told her father Josh's name. Either she was still half asleep or she was in the middle of some sick joke that the universe was playing on her. Whatever it was, she was thoroughly perplexed over Josh's behavior. He wasn't spiteful or angry, and seemed to hold no malice towards her or Castle. This was not the kind of reaction she expected from a man who had been strung along with the promise of a relationship—of a commitment—that she could not give, and frankly would never really offer. Again, Beckett felt guilt for her actions. It had not been right to do that, for either of them, and she truly felt sorry for that.

Reluctantly, she looked over her father's shoulder and gave Josh a grateful nod. He closed his eyes for a brief moment and reciprocated, before taking a deep breath and then leaving. Of course, Lanie had been watching the whole exchange, and Beckett could feel her friend's gaze intently on her.

Ignoring it, she turned her attention back to her father. "Can… can we see him?" she questioned.

"He's stabilized, yes, but Katie… he's not completely out of the woods," her father replied gently. "Apparently he lost quite a lot of blood, and needed several transfusions during the operation."

Beckett swallowed past the terror in her throat. She suddenly became acutely aware of the teen resting in her lap. "Hold on," she muttered softly. With slow and gentle movements, Beckett lifted Alexis's head off her lap and slid out, replacing her lap with a pillow before pulling the blanket back up over the teen's shoulders. Placing a hand on her father's arm, she directed him away from the sleeping girl.

"All right," she nodded when they were far enough away that their voices wouldn't wake Alexis. "What aren't you telling me?"

"Look, Katie, I don't pretend to be a doctor or anything… honestly, I don't understand half the stuff mine says to me," he said. "But from what that young fellow told me, it sounds like Castle had to be resuscitated once or twice while on the operating table. But he was lucky… the bullet missed his vital organs. Apparently the biggest problem was the internal bleeding, but according to the doctor, they've stopped that."

Beckett's heart leapt into her throat. The images of Castle nearly dying during their ride in the ambulance jumped into her mind. Again, she was both shocked and amazed at what Josh had done. There was no beating around the bushes anymore. He had quite literally saved the life of the man his girlfriend had dumped him for. That's not what Beckett had thought at the time, but in retrospect, it was the truth.

Castle's lecture of a few days ago suddenly flashed up in her mind. Knowing what she now knew, it made sense. She understood it, where he was coming from.

XXX

 _Castle paused for a moment and narrowed his brow._

" _Walk away."_

 _Beckett gaped at him, totally blown away. She thought he knew her, understood her. Castle knew she just couldn't do that. He knew!_

" _They're going to kill you, Kate," he said, his voice and expression utterly serious. Anything of the Castle she knew looked gone and buried. He also looked like he had just been punch in the gut after saying it. "And if you don't care about that," he paused and glanced away for a moment, swallowing hard. "Then at least think about how that's going to affect the people that love you." His voice had quivered just slightly when he said that word…_ love _. "You really want to put your Dad through that? And what about Josh?"_

 _She couldn't believe he—of all people—had just mentioned Josh. She clenched her jaw, a little peeved at him. It had taken a lot out of her to admit that being with Josh was not what she wanted, and it had been difficult for her to face up to that. Beckett had already dealt with that particular roadblock, but obviously she still needed to get pass some more before she was home free. She wished that Castle would just come out and say what she knew he wanted to say. It was written all over his face, but he just couldn't seem to find the words, which was frustrating, considering his profession._

 _Beckett knew how she felt, she'd known for a while now, but she was still too confused—or was it afraid—to make the first move. She needed Castle to do that. So, when he made the mistake of mentioning Josh, Beckett narrowed her eyes, and could not hold it back any longer. She was going to try and nudge him in the direction, give him a little coaxing. And God… she prayed it would work._

" _And what about you, Rick?" she nearly snapped, her insides going wild. She made sure to use his first name, instead of just calling him Castle._

" _Of course I don't want anything to happen to you… I'm your partner!" Castle objected, and then added, a bit softer than before, "I'm your friend."_

" _Is that what we are?" Beckett asked, her heart hammering in her chest as she remembered Royce's letter._

 _That sent him over the edge. She could literally see him make that jump. She had hit a cord, and for a small moment, she was afraid of what she had unleashed. His gazed hardened and he shook his head._

 _The gloves were off._

" _Alright," he said, stepping forward. "I don't know what…_ we _are. We kiss and we never talk about it. We nearly die… frozen, in each other's arms. But WE NEVER talk about it! So, no! I got no clue what we are!" He paused and softened a bit. "I know I don't want to see you throw you're life away."_

 _That set her off. She hated it when other people thought they knew what was best for her. "Yeah, well last time I checked, it was_ my _life! Not you're personal jungle gym!"_

 _He took a breath and ran a hand through his hair. Even though she was pissed as hell, she did notice that he looked hurt by the comment._

" _And for the past three years, I've been running around with the school's funniest kid, and it's_ not _enough!" she walked away from him, intent on showing him the door before she said anything more that she might regret later._

 _But Castle wouldn't let it drop. He never did. He just had to tug on her pigtails. Turning around to follow her, he opened his dumb mouth. "You know what, this isn't about you're mother's case anymore. This is about you needing a place to hide!"_

 _Beckett stopped and spun around to face him, taking in a deep breath._

" _Because you've been chasing this thing so long, you're afraid to find out who you are without it," he continued, hitting the nail on the head._

" _You don't know me, Castle!" she shouted, her heart going wild in her chest. "You think you do, but you don't."_

 _He set his jaw and lowered his brow. Breathing through his nose, he approached her, his mind set. She had never seen Castle so determined before. The sight actually frightened her a bit. "I know you crawled inside your mother's murder and didn't come out," he said. "I know you hide there… same way you hide in these nowhere relationships with men YOU don't love!" He stopped his tirade and took a hard swallow, his voice had gotten really emotional near the end, and Beckett suspected she knew why. "You could be happy, Kate… you deserve to be happy."_

Then tell me how you feel _, she thought._ Make me happy!  _She was actually left speechless by his little lecture. Beckett did not want to admit it, but he was right. He had her nailed. She was wrong. He did know her… she just didn't want to admit it, because of what it could mean._

 _Instead of saying those three words she wanted him to say, Castle breathed through his nose and said, "But you're afraid."_

 _That did it. Beckett's anger came back. How could he tell her that? He was such a coward. She had given him the opening to say it, but he couldn't tell her how he really felt, even when he knew it could change things. He was just as afraid as she was. The bastard!_

" _You know what, Castle… we are over," she said, hardly believing what she was saying. "Now get out."_

XXX

Back in the waiting room, the conversation replayed in her mind a thousand times. She remembered crying herself to sleep that night, knowing she had just potentially ruined the one bright thing in her life. She regretted so much of what she had said. Beckett wished she could take it all back, to tell Castle it was not over, but she couldn't face him, knowing how cruel and vindictive she had been. So, the next morning, she had went to see Montgomery, hoping that he would take it out of her hands and declare that Castle was here to stay and there was not a damn thing they could do about it.

But when he told her,  _fine, Castle's gone_ , she was flabbergasted. She began to protest, and the captain made it clear that this was his house and he wasn't going to let any outsider tell him how to run it. Her heart sank and she was devastated. She tried to hide it, but she suspected Montgomery had noticed, considering what he then told her. But in the end, it didn't look like her plan was going to work. There was no way she was going to get Castle back now. She couldn't face him, not with what she had said. Beckett had been hoping on an outside force like Montgomery to bring Castle back.

Crestfallen, with her hopes dashed away, Beckett turned inward and focused on her mother's case. Castle had tried to reach out to her, but she ignored him, not having the strength or courage to face him or the things she had said. So, at the hangar, when Montgomery had called Castle's name out and she turned around to see him behind her, she was baffled, yet somewhat relieved that despite all she had said to him, he still had her back. Yet, she couldn't focus on that, Montgomery was going to sacrifice himself. And then Castle was picking her up and dragging her out of the hangar, ignoring her kicks and protests. Outside, Castle held her as Montgomery made his last stand, dying to protect her. And when Montgomery had died, Beckett had to put things on hold… again.

Now, all that waiting seemed to have come back to haunt her. Castle had been shot, and he had nearly died, not just once, but multiple times. Blinking, she looked at her father, and asked him the only thing she could think off.

"Will… will they let us see him?" she murmured out, her voice shaky.

"They're moving him into a private room now, yes," Jim Beckett nodded. "Dr. Davidson says its one of the hospital's more accommodating rooms, has a couch and sitting area for family and friends, a private bathroom… the works."

Beckett nodded, turning to get her things, and was again stunned and amazed at how gracious Josh was being in defeat. Though, truth be told, there really had been no victory. No one had won anything. Castle and her relationship, whatever it was, was still somewhat strained by that one night where she had lost her temper and told him it was over. They had yet to talk about it. She knew she needed to make some apologies, but right now, it could wait.

The important thing was Castle was alive… if still badly injured and requiring time for rest and recovery. She knew it wouldn't be easy, but she wanted—no, needed—Castle. With all that had happened this year, with everyone she had lost, Beckett  _could not_  lose Castle.


	3. Chapter 3

Numb. Yes, that was probably the best word to describe how Detective Kate Beckett was feeling at the moment. Even though she was highly aware of where she was and what she was doing, Beckett still felt out of sorts. Her body was going through the motions, but her mind seemed elsewhere, lost in a fog of worry and concern for the man who meant so much more to her than she had ever thought possible. She blindly followed the others as the nurse led them down the hallway and through the recovery ward. The lights had been dimmed, and only a handful of nurses and orderlies were on staff, seeing as it was well past midnight.

Closing her eyes, every detail came flying through her mind, as she replayed all the events of the day in her mind's eyes. And for the first time, Beckett realized that Castle had been in surgery for the better part of the day. The realization made her clutch her navy blue duffle bag closer to her chest. Gritting her teeth and lowering her brow, she tried to pull herself out of the daze of anguish and grief she was in, but it felt like trying to convince a rock it wasn't a rock.

As they walked down the hallway, Beckett glanced through the opened doors of some of the rooms they passed. Some were empty. Others were occupied. But it was all the same to her. In every one she looked into, all she could see was Richard Castle lying on the bed, tubes and wires sticking out of him, covering his body, a breathing machine rhythmically running through its cycle. She had to force herself to close her eyes to those images and constantly remind herself that it was not so. Castle was alive and, according to the nurse, breathing on his own power.

Alexis and Martha where in the front of the group, hugging onto each other with a desperate need. Beckett understood it, because she was doing the very same to her duffle bag. Her dad was walking beside her, and she could feel his presence, his hand slowly resting on her back, his fingers running in a small pattern as he tried to soothe her. His touch brought a smile to her lips, it was similar to something he used to do when she was a little girl and was upset or scared. Despite the tragic circumstances, Beckett was glad to once again feel that same reassurance and comfort she had felt when she was a girl.

"Here we are," spoke up the nurse. "Room 47."

Beckett stopped before the door and closed her eyes. Her dad paused with her, giving her a sympathetic and understanding look. He nodded, knowing she needed just a little more time. Placing a hand on her arm, he gave her a comforting squeeze, before taking the duffle bag from her. "Take your time, Katie," he murmured out, before slipping inside to join the others.

Turning her back to the door, she leaned against the wall and pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to hold back the tears. Closing her eyes again, she took in slow and easy breaths, trying to regain some control over her emotions. Beckett never liked being emotional, but today it was just so damned hard. Giving the eulogy at Roy Montgomery's funeral was hard enough, not having to add on the fact a sniper had took a shot at her and hit Castle instead. And that was only an added stress, because the idiot had spotted something and had dove out in front of her.

Letting out a heavy breath, Beckett shook her head and brushed her fingers through her hair. Added on to all that was Castle's declaration of love. Those three simple words put so much into perspective, and explained so much that she had been confused over. Her own feelings were a jumble of emotions. Elation, joy, anger, sorrow, grief, shock, and despair… they were all bundled up inside her chest, neither making a play for dominance.

"Kate?"

Blinking, Beckett looked up through bleary eyes and was surprised to see Josh standing there in front of her. Quickly wiping away the beginnings of her tears, she opened her mouth to say something, but then forgot what she was going to say. So instead, she simply averted her eyes and hugged herself, while giving a noncommittal nod of her head.

"Don't worry, Kate," Josh spoke softly. "I didn't come here to try and get you back or anything like that." He paused and took a slow breath. "I just want to tell you that you were right."

Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, Beckett forced herself to look up at him. "Josh… I'm sorry," she said.

"No," he said, speaking with confidence. "You don't have anything to feel sorry for. It was fun while it lasted, but I think deep down we both knew it was never going to last. We never really were able to spend that much time together… we're both dedicated to our jobs."

She nodded.

"I think we were both just deceiving ourselves, and making up excuses to stay together," he continued. "I will always cherish the time we spent together… but in the end, I was just filler. Nothing more."

"You deserve better," she said.

"So do you," Josh concurred, his eyes looking towards the door. "You should be happy, Kate. You deserve to be happy."

Beckett inhaled quickly, hearing him say the exact same words Castle had said to her just a few days ago. She looked up at him and nodded. His shoulder's relaxed.

"When I heard the reports coming in, I knew I had to help," he continued. "I had to save him, Kate… for you."

She furrowed her brow and knitted her eyebrows together. "For me?" she questioned, confused.

"In all honesty, Kate, I was not entirely surprised when you broke up with me," Josh said. "I saw it coming for some time. Ever since that case when you trapped in the freezer… you were different. I knew then that something had happened… something had changed. We tried…  _you tried_ … but in the end, we were both just deluding ourselves to what was right in front of us."

"And what was that?" Beckett choked out.

"That you were in love with Castle," Josh said, not showing any sign of jealousy and/or malice. "That you were always in love with him. And nothing was going to change that." Then for the first time since she had seen him again, Josh reached out and touched her, briefly placing his hand on her shoulder before letting it drop away. "On the operating table, before he lost consciousness… he called out your name. He loves you too, Kate."

"Josh…" she felt awful that he had had to hear that. And, at the same time, she felt a strange combination of guilt and joy from the fluttering in her heart at having heard that Castle had spoken her name while struggling for his life.

"No, it's all right," he held up a hand, not sounding at all like he had been rejected or defeated. " _He_  can give you what I, nor any other man could… or can, give you. And I know that now. I finally understand why he's so important to you… and why  _you're_  so important to him." He paused, and took a quick breath, telling her with a slight incline of his head that the conversation was over, that he'd said what he'd come to say… that they had made their peace. "I truly wish you all the best, Kate…  _both of you_."

She gave him a tight smile and whispered, "Thank you."

Josh nodded and turned to leave, but then stop. He looked over his shoulder at her, and she almost detected a look that seemed like longing, but then it was gone. "I've arranged for Dr. Hoover to oversee Castle's recovery," he informed her. "He's the best trauma recovery specialist in the State, if not the entire country."

Again, she gave a slight nod and thanked him. Nodding his head, he looked away and started off. Closing her eyes, not wanting to have any regrets, Beckett opened her mouth. "Josh!" she called after him.

He stopped and turned around. "Yes?"

"I'm sorry," she said. "And don't tell me I don't have to apologize, or I don't have anything to feel sorry for, because I do. I never meant to hurt you, and I regret that I could never give you… give  _us_... the commitment you were searching for. I truly hope that someday you find it."

A soft smile touched his lips. "Thank you," he looked genuinely grateful.

"And Josh," she added. "Don't ever stop caring. It's one of your best qualities."

He nodded. "Goodbye, Kate," he spoke softly, placing a hand over his heart and inclining his head.

"Goodbye, Josh."

And then he was gone. Beckett sighed, feeling a weight lift off her shoulders. That chapter in her life had now officially ended. She had not realized it, but she had needed to have that conversation, to have that closure. She had needed to apologize for not being able to give him what he needed and deserved. And Beckett had needed to hear that he held no grudges nor harbored any ill feelings. Just like everyone else, even her former boyfriend seemed to have seen that connection she shared with Castle. Everything appeared to be lining up to tell her that, and that she was being a fool to ignore it.

The stars were finally aligning.

Closing her eyes, Beckett let out a long breath. She was finally ready to move on, to turn the page on the next chapter. Opening her eyes, Beckett steeled herself to take the next step. It was going to be hard, but now, more than ever, she was determined to take it. Turning around to face the door, the detective heaved in a deep breath, filling her lungs to capacity, to boost her courage and give her the strength to face the daunting fate that awaited her. Squaring her shoulders, preparing herself for the image she knew she was about to see, Beckett stepped through the threshold and onto the next chapter of her life.

XXX

The incessant beeping of the machine was grating and annoying, but to Kate Beckett it was the most wonderful noise in the whole world. It meant that Richard Castle—that absurdly annoying shadow (he was actually really quite adorable at times) of hers—was alive, if not awake. Standing with the others, crowded around his hospital bed, Beckett worked her way through the others until she finally caught sight of him. She hugged herself as she sighed with relief at finally being able to see Castle's face again, even if it was a lot paler than the last time she had seen him.

"Are you the girlfriend?" a nurse suddenly asked her in a quiet voice.

Beckett's jaw dropped and she simply gaped at the nurse, unable to respond.

"Don't worry," the nurse continued, patting her arm, misreading her expression. "He's lost a lot of blood. But the doctors believe he'll make a full recovery. He just needs some rest."

Beckett gave a tentative nod, and turned back to look at Castle. She was pleased to see that he was breathing on his own, and not required to be hooked up to a machine. In a way, it almost looked like he was peacefully asleep, dreaming pleasant dreams. His hair was untidy and dangling over his face, and Beckett had to fight the urge to reach out and brush it from his brow. Fortunately, Alexis beat her to the punch, moving her hand over her father's face and leaning down to kiss his forehead.

As Martha and Alexis settled over in the sitting area, the others made their goodbyes, promising to visit tomorrow. Ryan and Jenny were the first to go. Beckett had thought it was really nice of Jenny to have stayed the entire time. She really didn't know any of them, except perhaps Esposito and Lanie, that well. It made Beckett happy that Ryan had found someone like Jenny. She was perfect for him and obviously loved him very much.

Before she left, Lanie came over and exchanged a few words with Beckett. The M.E. wanted to make sure that the detective wasn't going to bolt the minute Castle woke up. She blushed slightly, though, in all truth, she had not really been surprised by Lanie's assumption. Smiling, she assured her friend that she had no intention of avoiding the topic any longer; that she and Castle had waited long enough, that life was too precious to waste another minute denying what was so obviously in front of them. Lanie gave her a quick hug before leaving with Esposito's arm wrapped around her waist.

As she watched them leave, a sudden thought struck Beckett. Everyone seemed to have be paired off. Ryan had Jenny. Esposito and Lanie had each other. Beckett had had Josh for most of the year, but that had ended a couple of months ago. And Castle… well, to be honest, Castle had been unattached ever since he had ended it with Gina. Swallowing hard, she looked over her shoulder at him, knowing why he had remained so. He had been waiting for her… waiting for her to finally see what was right in front of her.

Closing her eyes and blinking back the tears at all the missed opportunities that they had had over the years, Beckett looked about the private room and realized that, besides Martha and Alexis, it was just her father and her that were left. Jim Beckett was still holding her overnight bag, and she suddenly realized she still did not know if she was even able to stay. She had a sinking feeling that the hospital wouldn't allow it—she wasn't really family, after all. Hell, to be honest, she wasn't really anything right now, besides being his friend and partner—if she was even that anymore, after she had told him it was over, not to mention they'd have a new captain to deal with.

Beckett turned and walked over to the side of Castle's hospital bed. Gazing longingly down at him, she reached out and slowly slipped her hand into his relaxed one and squeezed it, hoping that even though he was unconscious he could sense her touch. She racked in a deep breath and pulled his hand up to her breast, holding it just above her heart as she stared down into his unconscious face, looking for signs that he could feel her presence.

"Hang in there, Rick," she murmured softly. "I… I need you to come back to—"

"Detective Beckett…? I'm sorry,  _Kate_?" she turned her head up to see Alexis standing beside her. She blinked, terrified the teen had overheard her.

"Um… yes, Alexis?" Beckett said, furrowing her brow in concern, looking over the girl's shoulder to see Martha looking over at them with a knowing glint in her eye and a small smile on her lips. Beckett knew that Alexis and her had bonded somewhat over their shared grief, but she was still a little uncomfortable, especially with the potential romantic relationship Beckett hoped she might have with the girl's father.

Alexis reached up and placed a hand on Beckett's arm, the very arm that's hand was currently gripping the teen's father's hand. Not knowing why, Beckett tensed. The girl smiled. "You're welcomed to stay, Kate," Alexis said. "Gram has told the nurses you're family."

Beckett's mouth dropped. She looked up at Martha and smiled, silently thanking her with a nod. Martha nodded back at her and gave her a knowing wink, reminding Beckett that she had openly confessed her love for the older woman's son to Martha. Alexis gave her a hug, then went back to help her grandmother prepare the couch, turning it into a makeshift bed.

Closing her eyes, Beckett sighed, wondering how the hell she had even made it through this day. The day her mother had died, not to mention the months and years that had followed, had been extremely trying and difficult for her, but today felt like all of those rolled up in one. It quite literally felt like one of the longest days of her life. Letting go of Castle's hand, she turned to face her father.

Beckett looked up at him, her eyes starting to water. " _Daddy_ ," she whimpered out softly, her voice quaking. She felt very much like a little girl who simply needed her daddy to hold her. She smiled gently when he dropped her overnight bag and enveloped her in his arms.

He ran his hand down the back of her head, helping to calm her. "You'll get through this, Katie," he whispered into her ear. "You're strong… just like your mother." He paused and backed away, holding her face in his hands so that he could look her in the eye. "Don't let this one go, Katie. He's a keeper."

Beckett bit her bottom lip and averted her eyes for a moment before looking back up at her dad. She relented and smiled slightly. "I won't, Dad," she assured him. She blushed, feeling very much like a teenager who'd just got caught making out with a boy on the couch.

"Good," Jim Beckett said with a smile as he pulled her back into another hug. "Because my little girl deserves nothing less than to be happy."

Beckett sighed and eased into her father's embrace, enjoying the comfort of his arms. At that moment, she felt closer to him than she had in her entire life. Stepping back, he gave her a small smile and kissed her forehead. When he turned to leave, Beckett seized his hand and pulled him back.

" _Dad_ dy?" she questioned, her eyebrows rising in concern and confusion.

He turned back and gave her a soft smile. He reached up and touched the side of her face, affectionately rubbing her cheek with the pad of his thumb. "This is where  _you_  belong, Katie, not me," he answered with a slight incline of his head.

She fiddled with the fingers of his hand and looked down. "You'll visit, though, tomorrow?" she asked, almost pleading.

"Of course, sweetie," Jim replied, wrapping an arm around her and hugging her again. She closed her eyes and latched onto her father. He had not been there for her when her mother died, having been lost in his own grief, but this time around, he had.

Breaking away, she kissed his cheek. "I love you, Dad," she whispered, feeling the need to tell him.

"I love you, too, Katie," he replied and, again, he kissed her forehead.

Beckett closed her eyes and sighed, finding she was starting to enjoy, even crave his reassurance. Letting out a long breath, she hugged herself as she watched him wave goodbye to Martha and Alexis before taking his leave.

XXX

After standing by Castle's bedside for thirty more minutes or so, Beckett relented to her exhaustion, and Alexis's plea, and joined the younger and senior Castle over in the sitting area. She pulled up her bag and went through it, seeing what her father and Lanie had retrieved from her apartment. Grabbing her toothbrush and toothpaste, Beckett went into the private bathroom and brushed her teeth.

While in there, she took note of her appearance. There were dark rings around her eyes and the skin was slightly swollen and puffy from her crying. Her lips looked dry and her brow was glistening from perspiration. She looked worn down and tired. Cocking her head over her shoulder, she spotted the shower. One of her routines was to shower before bed, and though it was later than normal, she still felt a need to maintain her routine. She knew that doing something that was normal and comforting for her would help her relax, otherwise, it would be impossible for her to get any sleep tonight. Though, she was also secretly vain about her appearance, at least when it came to Castle. She wanted to look fresh and pleasant when he finally woke.

Going back out to the sitting area, Beckett fumbled through her bag and found a towel and some shampoo. "I… I'm going to take a quick shower. Is… is that all right?" she asked the others.

"Go ahead, dear," Martha smiled at her, waving her on. "I think it will do you some good."

"Yes, Kate," Alexis concurred with a vigorous nod. The teen was sitting up on the couch, wrapped up in a purple blanket. "You've been concentrating on dad all day, you should take some time to yourself."

Smiling softly in thanks, Beckett slipped out of her shoes and padded back into the bathroom, closing the door behind her. Letting out a soft breath, she shook her head, having to disagree with Alexis. Part of her felt like she had been selfish all day, thinking only about how all this was affecting her, when there were two people in the other room who were suffering just as much, if not more. Castle was part of her life, yes, but he was a bigger part of Martha and Alexis's lives. For one, he was a son, and for the other, he was a single father, one that his daughter simply adored.

Taking a moment to collect herself, Beckett slowly stripped out of her clothes, folding up her sweats and hoodie, and putting them on the counter. Standing in just her panties and a grey t-shirt, she looked at herself in the mirror again. Beckett had never thought of herself as an attractive woman, but all the men she had dated had always told her she was beautiful. Castle was different.

He would joke about it, call her hot and sexy. But what really melted her heart, was when he would simply call her  _extraordinary_ , and truly meaning it. When he said that, Beckett knew he was not just talking about her body, but about all of her. About everything that made her Kate Beckett. And that, as a whole, was what Richard Castle found extraordinary. Not a part or small bit, but the complete package. The complete her.

Closing her eyes against unwanted tears, Beckett finished undressing. She slipped out of the grey t-shirt and folded it up, placing it on top of her sweats and hoodie. Running her hands down her long smooth legs, she pulled her socks off, folded them and added them to the pile. Now, bare in just her panties and bra, she looked at herself again in the mirror.

Beckett took a deep breath and let her eyes wander over her entire frame.  _I am a woman_ , she told herself.  _A woman that Richard Castle loves and finds extraordinary!_ She repeated the words like a mantra, drilling the idea into her mind. He was in love with her and had stood by her side, even when she always gave him the cold shoulder. She clenched her jaw and averted her eyes. She felt unworthy of his love. But no matter how unworthy she felt, Beckett was determined to give it a chance. She owed herself that much. She owed it to him that. Hell… she owed it to  _them_  to give it a shot!

Unhooking her bra and wiggling out of her panties, Beckett added them to the pile of clothes on the counter. Everything was neat and tidy, giving her some stability and order, which was something she desperately needed right now. Closing her eyes, she spun around towards the shower and turned the handle, bringing forth a jet of warm water. Beckett tested it with her fingers, before gingerly stepping into the stall and closing the curtain.

She sighed and closed her eyes as she slowly pushed her head into the spray of hot water. Soaking her hair, Beckett popped the cap on the cherry fragrant shampoo and rubbed it into her scalp, working it up to a nice rich lather before rinsing it off under the water. Taking a bar of soap, she worked the cleanser into her skin. She spent most of the time cleaning her hands, she didn't know why, but her hands felt dirty, as if the  _his_  blood that had soaked her white dress gloves had penetrated through to her skin.

When she finished the rituals of self-cleaning, Beckett merely stood under the water and cried softly, needing to let out all the hurt, confusion, and pain that she had felt ever since she heard the sound of that damned bullet. The bullet that was meant for her. The bullet that Castle had taken in her place.

Once she finished her cry, she held her face up, eyes closed, into the spray of water to help clean off her face and the evidence of her quiet sobbing. Confident that she had cleaned herself enough, Beckett turned the water off and opened the shower curtain. She grabbed the towel and wrapped it around her body. Stepping out onto the bath mat, she went over to the sink and looked up at her reflection in the mirror. Beckett sighed in relief. She looked better, still a little tired and worn down, but better.

Beckett took her time drying off, simply needing some alone time. This was all part of her normal evening ritual, and doing something normal and routine just helped. Once her body was dry, Beckett found one of those plug-in hairdryers mounted in the wall and used it to dry her hair. Once finished, she took her long tresses and tied them into a messy ponytail. Surveying herself one last time in the mirror, she then got dressed, pulling on her panties first, and then slipping into her bra. She tugged her sweat pants on, tied the loose string tight, and then pulled the t-shirt back on, before pushing her head through the hoodie and hugging it close around her body.

Slipping back out into the recovery room, she saw Alexis standing by Castle's bedside. The young teen was holding her father's hand and stroking her fingers through his disheveled hair. Alexis looked up when Beckett entered.

"Did the shower help?" she asked softly.

"Yes, a little," Beckett replied with a nod, stopping on the other side of the bed and gazing down upon Castle's sleeping face. He had the most adorable little smile working it's way across his lips.

"I think he's dreaming," Alexis explained, looking up across the bed at Beckett. "I wonder what it could be about?"

Beckett looked down and knitted her eyebrows together. She could have sworn she just saw Alexis give a little knowing smile. Shrugging it off, she ran a hand down Castle's arm and gave his hand a squeeze, fighting the urge to lean down and kiss him. Releasing his hand, Beckett turned around and went over to the sitting area. Martha was in one of the recliners; head leaned back against the headrest, her eyes closed. Beckett smiled softly and pulled the blanket that was draped across the old woman's lap up, covering her.

She heard Alexis pad over. She turned and gave the girl a small smile and nodded her head towards Martha. "I think we should follow your grandmother's example," she said. "It is awfully late."

Alexis sighed. "Yeah, I guess your right," she nodded and before Beckett knew it, the teen was hugging her. She raised her eyebrows for a moment before succumbing and hugging back. "Thanks for staying," Alexis murmured, when she backed away.

"All—Anytime," Beckett said, catching herself. She blinked, startled. She had almost said _always_. That one single word had started to mean so much more.

Like almost everything, it had started with Castle. She smiled softly, thinking it was almost like that movie  _The Princess Bride_ , where Wesley the Stable Boy would say "as you wish" to Buttercup. "Always" was Castle's way of telling her that he loved her without actually having to say the words. What had surprised her was that she had started to use it, in very much the same way, with him. She bit her lower lip and closed her eyes. If only they both had had the courage to say what they really meant… then everything might be different.

"See you in the morning?" Alexis smiled.

Beckett nodded and retreated to the second recliner as Alexis took up residence on the couch. She knelt down and opened her bag to pull out the blanket her father had packed, but when she glanced up at the recliner, she noticed that there was already a blanket awaiting her. Arching her neck over her shoulder, she saw Alexis smiling at her. Beckett smiled and inclined her head in gratitude and mouthed a silent "thank you." The teen reciprocated before turning back into the couch and curling up under her blanket. Easing down into the recliner, Beckett gazed out at the small group and had to admit that she felt at peace and relaxed in their company. She liked the Castle clan… all of them. And for the first time, Beckett admitted she would not be averse to maybe becoming one of them some day.

As she leaned back, Beckett pulled the blanket up and sniffed it, noting that it smelled like Castle. Leave it to Alexis to give her a blanket that smelled like the writer. Beckett grinned to herself, remembering when Castle had been talking to her about obsessed fans "shipping" their favorite characters from television shows. Just about everyone she knew appeared to be trying to "ship" her and Castle… even the man's own daughter! That made her chuckle softly, it reminded her of how close the two were. When it came to Castle and Alexis, it was sometimes debatable over who was the child and who was the parent. Smiling to herself, Beckett closed her eyes and, despite all the heartache and worry of the day, managed to fall into a blissful night's sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

Waking up was strange, to say the least. At first, when her eyelids fluttered open as she arched her neck around, taking in her surroundings, Beckett was a little confused. It took her a moment, as the fog of sleep receded from her mind until she was able to fully recall the events of the previous day. A shiver ran up her spine as she recalled the gunshot, hearing that awful echo resound throughout the cemetery, her world tumbling, hitting the ground with him over her, and then feeling Castle going slack, the sick warmth of his blood soaking through her white dress gloves. A small startled gasp escaped her lips as it all came screaming back to her in a mad rush. Her heart immediately jumped in her throat as she remembered… remembered his words as he faded away. His confession. His declaration of love.

 _Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate._

His words echoed in her ears and everything after it came back to her: The ambulance ride, Castle nearly flatlining (not just once, but twice), Josh, her Dad, Alexis… her own confession, to Martha of all people! Beckett took a hard swallow and looked around the room. Alexis was still curled up on the couch, her red hair cascading down her pale face. Darting her eyes over to the other recliner, she noticed that Martha was gone. That's when she heard the drone of the shower over the soft incessant beeping from the heart monitor. Hearing those slow and steady beeps made Beckett want to see him, to make sure that he was still alive.

Stretching her neck, Beckett slowly pushed herself up to her feet. She grimaced; both her back and legs were a bit stiff from having slept in the recliner all last night, but she could push past that right now. Tugging the blanket tighter around her shoulders, Beckett quietly shuffled across to the bed. Without thinking, almost on pure instinct, she gripped his relaxed hand in hers and interlaced her fingers with his.

He was looking much better. Not great, but better. Some of the color had finally returned to his face, and his hand wasn't cold, like it had been last night. She glanced up and looked at the monitor, silently thankful for the beeping, even if it was slightly annoying and grating. Beckett didn't care. It was still music to her ears. Sighing with relief that he was alive and getting better, she raised her other hand to slowly caress the side of his face.

"Get better soon, Castle," she murmured softly. Glancing over her shoulder and peeking through the open door, checking to ensure that no one was watching her, Beckett then slowly bent forward and brushed a brief kiss against his cheek. As she backed up, she could have sworn that his lips had twitched ever so slightly upwards when her lips had touched his skin. There was no reason for it, but just the thought of him smiling after she had kiss him, even if it was more of a platonic chaste kiss on the cheek that anything else, made her heart flutter.

As if sensing an intrusion into her own little world, Beckett's eyes popped up just in time to see a nurse in pink scrubs came in. She was petite with bleached blonde hair, pulled back in a tight bun. Young, too. Probably just out of nursing school. The nurse gave her a polite smile as she picked up the chart at the end of the bed, skimming its contents as she checked the machines. Beckett took in a deep breath and shifted uncomfortably, hoping that the nurse had not noticed her blush.

Thankfully, it appeared the nurse seemed more interested in checking Castle's vitals, which Beckett was more than happy with. After adjusting one of the machines, and making a note of it on the clipboard, the nurse glanced up at Beckett again, but this time looking more closely. She watched as the young woman knitted her eyebrows together as if confused. After a moment she shook her head, then turned back to the clipboard.

Beckett released a breath she did not know she had been holding in. That's when the nurse looked up again, the realization slowly dawning across her face.

The young woman's eyes slowly shifted up from the clipboard and openly stared at her. "Sorry… but… um… aren't you Nikki Heat?" she asked, her voice a mixture between force politeness and curiosity.

Beckett felt every muscle in her body tense. She winced slightly, and then covered her discomfort by giving the woman a soft smile. "Actually, it's Kate Beckett. Inspiration… yes. Nikki Heat… no," she spoke, trying to remain calm, not to mention the fact that she could not believe she had just used her name, the word  _inspiration_ , and  _Nikki Heat_  in the same breath.

"Yes, yes," the nurse said bobbing her head. "I thought you looked familiar. You're that NYPD Detective Richard Castle follows around… the one that Nikki Heat is based on."

"Only slightly based on," Beckett squeezed in. "Everything else is just pure fiction."

"Really?" the young nurse looked utterly surprised.

"Yes, really," Beckett nodded.

"Then… you mean… you're not his girlfriend, then?" the nurse suddenly went pink with embarrassment. "I'm sorry… I didn't mean to pry."

Beckett, who was trying to hold in her own unease about the entire conversation, was also fighting off the blush that was rushing to her cheeks. That's when the monitors started to go crazy. The beeps grew more rapid, signaling a change in Castle's heart rate. The nurse jumped, startled and immediately dashed out of the room, calling for the doctor. Beckett's eyes grew wide and she fought the urge to panic. Suddenly Alexis was there. The teen grabbed Castle's other hand and held on to it.

"Dad?" she choked out through desperate tears.

The nurse came back in, this time followed by the doctor and several other nurses. Beckett took a deep breath and released the hand she was holding, going around the bed to stand with Alexis. The teen turned and latched on to her, needing the support. Beckett closed her eyes and tried to steady her own breathing, wanting to be strong for Alexis. They stepped back as the nurses and doctor examined Castle. The bathroom door opened and Martha, clad in a bathrobe and wet hair, came rushing out.

"Richard?" she called out.

"Grams!" wailed Alexis, who briefly detached herself from Beckett before latching back on with an even firmer grip. Before she knew it, Beckett was suddenly squeezed in between the younger Castle and the older one. She closed her eyes and clenched her jaw, asking the universe to take pity on her for once in her life and spare Castle.

The doctor said something, and a nurse produced a syringe. He tested it, flicking it with his fingers as he eyeballed the needle, before turning to the I.V. and introducing whatever solution was in it to the plastic bag. After a couple of minutes the beeping slowed to a more steady and reassuring pace. Sighing, the doctor gave a nod. Turning towards them, he looked directly at Beckett.

"I'm Dr. Alfred Hoover," he said, with a curt nod. "I'll be supervising Mr. Castle's recovery."

"How… how is he?" Martha choked out, the diva gazing worryingly over at her son.

"He'll be fine," Hoover assured her.

Beckett blinked and looked up at him, almost giving him an accusatory glare like he was some suspect in the interrogation room. "What did you give him?" she demanded.

"Just a mild sedative," the doctor said, shifting slightly as he eyed her up a bit. "You must be Detective Beckett. I was warned about you. You're the girlfriend, right?"

"Huh?" Beckett raised her eyebrows and frowned at the same time, looking for that blonde-haired nurse.

Before the doctor could answer, Alexis started to bombard him with questions. Beckett was startled and amazed at the depth of the teen's knowledge. And apparently so was Dr. Hoover. He answered each of Alexis's questions in a calm and even voice. "Mr. Castle had a rough surgery, but he pulled through," he said, stressing the last part. "Thanks to Dr. Davidson the internal bleeding was stopped. Right now, all my patient really needs is rest."

"When do you think he'll wake up?" Alexis asked, detaching herself from Beckett and her grandmother to grip her father's hand.

Hoover turned to face her. "He was about to wake up just now," he replied matter-of-factly.

"Then why did you sedate him?" Beckett nearly snapped, then checked herself and took a deep breath.

The doctor gave her a look that said he had been correct about his , then turned back to give the answer to Alexis, completely ignoring the detective. "His body is still in shock," Hoover said. "The trauma would have been more severe if he had woke until his body had had a little more time to recuperate from both the injury and the invasive surgery." The man put a comforting hand on Alexis's shoulder. "Just give him some time, young lady, and he'll get better."

"Promise?" Alexis squeaked.

"On my oath," Hoover gave a friendly grin and then was startled when Alexis jumped him with a hug.

"Thank you," the teen mewled, before turning back around to pull a chair over to sit by her father's side. Beckett watched as the teen reached up and grabbed Castle's hand while she rested her head beside his.

Martha sighed and thanked the doctor, before leaning over to kiss her son on the forehead and rub her granddaughter's back. The diva turned and looked back at Beckett.

"How are you doing, kiddo?" she inquired, giving Beckett a knowing look. It took her a moment, and then she remembered her confession last night… about being in love with Castle and afraid she had missed the opportunity to tell him.

She blinked and swallowed, still slightly on the lookout for that blonde-haired nurse, wanting to find out why the doctor thought she was Castle's girlfriend, not that she didn't mind the idea of it, but she didn't like having the label, especially when she was nothing more than a friend.

"I'm fine, Martha," she said with a sigh, returning her attention to the older woman. "I'm little stiff and a little tired, but fine."

Martha nodded, giving Beckett's arm a comforting squeeze. "If you need to talk, I'm always available," she said with a soft smile. "Now, I think I'll go finish freshening up. I want to look my best for when that handsome father of yours comes to visit."

" _Grams_ ," Alexis blanched from Castle's bedside.

Despite her worried mood, a broad smile spread onto Beckett's face, thinking she might have to give her father some advance warning. She hoped Martha was only joking, though, because she did not want to be in the awkward position of having going on a double date with Castle and their parents. That is, if she and Castle ever did get to go on a date. Beckett never knew with the Castles. They always seemed to be joking and teasing each other. It showed how comfortable the three were with each other, and she silently liked how they had included her in it, making her feel part of the family, especially during those weeks she had spent in the Castle Casa when she was looking for a new apartment after hers had blown up.

"I am only joking, kiddo," Martha smiled, bending down to kiss her granddaughter on the top of the head. "Still… he is  _rather_  handsome, though. And his shoulder was awfully nice to lean against last night. I wouldn't mind spending some more time in his company."

"Grams!" Alexis said, her face turning a decidedly embarrassed shade of pink.

"You're right," Martha nodded, winking. "I need to freshen up. He could pop in any second." She turned and gave them all a dramatic gesture. "Back in twenty minutes, darlings." And then she sauntered back over to the bathroom.

As soon as the door was closed, Beckett laughed out loud, clutching her middle as her body shook with mirth. Alexis straightened and looked over her shoulder, her brow furrowing in confusion. "What's so funny, Kate?"

Beckett sighed, catching her breath as her lips curled up in a smile. "You're grandmother certainly knows how to lighten the atmosphere," was her response. God, she didn't know the last time she had laughed like that.

"Um… Kate… I don't know how to say this, but… I don't think Grams was really joking that much," Alexis explained, looking a little unnerved. "She kept going on and on about your dad while you were in the shower last night."

Beckett stood dead still and did a double take, hardly believing what she was hearing. "Really?" she knitted her eyebrows together, rather startled. She didn't even know if her dad had ever tried dating again after her mother had been killed. Her death had affected him deeply, and she didn't even know if the grief ever really left him. It had never left her, so she assumed it was the same with her father.

Alexis gave an earnest nod. Beckett grimaced and shook her head, running her fingers through her hair. "I do not need that in my life right now, not after—" she stopped herself before she said anything in front of Alexis.

The teen looked up at her and gave a knowing smile. "Grams told me," Alexis confessed, blushing slightly, tightening her hold on her father's hand.

"Told you what?" Beckett questioned, folding her arms over her chest, ready to deny anything, even to Castle's own daughter.

Alexis gave her a look that was so very much a Castle look. "That you are in love with each other," the teen elaborated. "But that you both are too stubborn to admit it to one another."

"What?" Beckett knitted her eyebrows together as her eyes grew wide, not even remembering to try and deny it. "You… you knew? How?"

"I've known for years!" Alexis smiled brightly. "You know, he never really can shut up when he's talking about you." She frowned a bit. "It's actually quite annoying really."

Beckett was flabbergasted. She didn't know what to say. Was she supposed to feel flattered that he talked about her so much, or appalled that even a teenage girl had known what two grown adults had been fully incapable of seeing?

An awkward silence descended upon them. Clearing her throat, Beckett gazed down at Alexis. "I… I'll go to the cafeteria and get us some breakfast," she said.

"Okay," Alexis gave a nod, smiling brightly as she turned her attention back to her father, running a delicate hand through his disheveled hair.

Beckett let out a slow breath and turned back to the seating area, ridding herself of the blanket, feeling decidedly uncomfortable. Did everyone know except her? Putting on her shoes and checking her appearance in the mirror on the bedside table, Beckett gave Alexis brief nod before venturing out of Room 47 and heading towards the hospital cafeteria. Halfway there it occurred to her that this wouldn't be the first time she'd gotten breakfast from this cafeteria. She had sometimes come to this very hospital early in the morning to see Josh in-between surgeries. With Josh she had had to make the time. Castle had always been there, no matter what time of day or night. He had stood by her side through it all. And now… now he was paying the price for that, and she hadn't even told him how she felt.

She took a deep breath as she turned a corner and started towards the elevator. Reflecting back on her last trips to this hospital, Beckett realized that the meets at the cafeteria had always seemed a chore, something she had to force or talk herself into doing. Now, as she headed to the very same cafeteria, she felt different. This trip was not to have a few minutes or seconds with a man she really had no feelings for, but was to help the family of the man she had started to fall in love with since the moment he had quite literally fell in her lap.

A smile quirked up on her lips. Not even a restraining order would have kept Castle away from her.

XXX

As she had been heading to the cafeteria, Beckett ran into her father coming in with some coffee for her. She smiled and hugged him, telling him about what had happened. He hugged her back, and accompanied her into the cafeteria, helping her get breakfast for the others. On their way back to the room, Beckett warned him about Martha's… um… interest, and she was surprised when her father seemed more flattered than worried. She shook her head of the sudden mental image that popped in her head. A laugh tumbled from her lips, thinking that this was proof that she had been spending too much time with Castle if  _that_  was the first thing that came to her mind.

Martha was delighted to see Jim Beckett and the diva took him aside as Alexis and Beckett ate their breakfasts besides Castle's bedside, watching as the writer's eyes seemed to move under his lids.

"Still dreaming," Alexis declared with a nod, looking over at Beckett.

She nodded and gave the teen a smile. "Yes," she agreed.

After they had all finished with their meals, Alexis took her turn in the shower, and then called Ashley. Her boyfriend showed up thirty minutes later with some comfort food for her (as well as an iPod), and the two sat on the couch and talked and listened to music. The Becketts and Martha gave the two some space, and stayed around Castle's bedside.

"Oh, Katie, I almost forgot," he said, turning around to locate the brown paper bag he had come with. He picked it up and opened it, producing something that Beckett had thought she'd lost.

"Dad…," her breath caught in her throat as he handed over her mother's autographed copy of  _In A Hail Of Bullets_. Beckett had cherished this book. It had been her connection to her mom, and the beginning of her love for Richard Castle's books, and in some extension, the man himself.

Martha gave a soft smile when she saw what it was. The book was obviously well loved, and had been, by both Johanna Beckett and her daughter. Beckett had thought she had lost it with her apartment, but apparently she had not.

"You left it behind when you spent the night, remember?" her father asked, gazing carefully at her.

Beckett swallowed hard and nodded, hugging the book tightly to her chest. She vividly remembered going home to spend time with her dad after the Coonan case. Castle had been taken hostage by gunpoint and she had been forced to shoot Dick Coonan, the bastard who had killed her mother. But it had been a hollow victory for Beckett, since Dick Coonan had only been a hired gun. So, after wrapping up things at the precinct, she went back to her place, packed an overnight bag, and then went home to be with her father. She had absently put the book in her bag, as an afterthought.

"Thanks, Dad," Beckett breathed out and hugged him, giving him a kiss on the check. "I really did this."

He smiled and reciprocated, giving her a kiss on the forehead, and brushing his hand through her hair like he had when she was a little girl. Beckett sighed and hugged the book closer, lost in her own little world and completely unaware of her father asking Martha if she'd like to have some coffee with him. When she heard it, she blinked and looked up startled, seeing Castle's mother wrap an arm around Jim Beckett's and giving her granddaughter a dramatic wave. As they left, her father looked over his shoulder at her and she gave him another grateful nod, clutching the book to her chest.

Turning around, she looked down at the author of the opus in her hands. It had been Castle's debut novel. Beckett could still remember her mom raving about it, telling her she just had to read it. But Beckett hadn't really been interested in mystery novels. She had been into the classics: Dickens, Hugo, Joyce, Dumas, Tolstoy, and Dostoyevsky. It wasn't until her mother's death that she had picked up the well loved copy of  _In A Hail Of Bullets_ and was introduced to Richard Castle for the first time.

Out of all the books he'd written, this was probably the one that she had read the most, as the creases in the spine showed. Looking over at Alexis and Ashley, almost like a mother checking on her teenage daughter, Beckett pulled up a chair and sat down besides Castle. She leaned back and opened up the cover and smiled, seeing Richard Castle's autograph. Her mother had waited in line to get it, and Beckett had gone along with her. She smirked, remembering how when they had finally made it up front, and she saw the author for the first time, she had actually thought he was kind of hot. Little did she know that years later she would have fallen in love with him and want to be his everything.

Hooking an arm up over the side of the bed, she entwined her fingers with Castle's as she flipped open to the first chapter and started reading her favorite author's novel for the hundredth time, following the adventures of rookie NYPD detective David McAllister as he was called to a crime scene on the Upper West Side to a seemingly open and shut case.

XXX

Martha returned, minus Jim Beckett, when she was close to halfway through the book. She smiled. Even if she wasn't entirely comfortable with the prospect of their parents seeing each other, she was happy that her father might actually acquire a better social life, which he certainly would if he started spending time with Martha Rodgers. Beckett found a good stopping place and marked her place with the bookmark that was still in the pages. Standing up, she checked on Alexis and Ashley again, almost sensing the concerned fatherly vibe off of Castle even though he was unconscious.

"You're father's a good man, kiddo," Martha said, coming up along side her to check on her son.

Beckett grinned. "I know," she nodded. "He took mom's death hard."

"Anyone who loves as deeply as he did would," Martha replied.

Beckett could almost read between the lines, knowing that Martha was also referring to her son. Feeling uncomfortable, as she always did when emotions were involved, Beckett excused herself, going over to her duffle bag to get a change of clothes. Going to the bathroom, she took a quick shower, and changed into some more reasonable clothes, having been dressed in her sweats and hoodie for most of the day. After drying off, Beckett examined herself in the mirror. She smiled, pleased that the disheveled tired woman looked to be gone, though there were still faint hints of the previous day's exhaustion around her eyes.

All in all, she looked pretty damn good. Oh, she wasn't being vain for her own sake. She just wanted to look good for Castle, when he finally woke up. The thought struck her that she was thinking that. That she was actually thinking about trying to look nice for a man… and that that man was Castle. God, she had never really even thought about this when she had been dating Josh.

Beckett took a moment to wrap this latest development around her mind. Castle and her weren't even together and she was already worrying over how he thought she looked. The whole thing seemed ridiculous to her. She had never ever really cared about such things before. But she was now seeing all of Castle's suggestive jokes and innuendos that he had teased her with in a whole new light. In fact, she had grown her hair out longer mainly because Castle had made some comment one day about how nice he thought she'd look with longer hair. Without knowing it, Beckett had subconsciously started to do little things to please him. To please Castle. And all the while, she was clueless to the one thing that mattered the most.

After fiddling with her hair and letting it down, shaking out the locks to give it a nice bounce, Beckett went back out into the recovery room to find Alexis and Ashley gone.

"Hey there, kiddo," Martha gave her a wink. "I suggested to Ashley that he get Alexis out of here and take her somewhere with fresh air."

"That should do her some good," Beckett replied, glancing down at Castle. "Perhaps I should do so, as well. You know, check in at the precinct and see—"

"Why check in when the precinct can come to you?" came the distinctive voice of Javier Esposito.

She spun on her heels to see the Hispanic detective enter with an arm laced around Lanie's waist. "Any news?" Beckett immediately asked, going into hardcore detective mode.

"Whoa! Easy there, girl," the M.E. spoke with a soft smile. "It's still early, give it some more time, Kate."

Esposito gave a shake of his head as he gazed lovingly over at Lanie, before turning back to Beckett. "Ryan's hounding the techies as we speak," he informed the detective.

Beckett grinned, imagining the Irish detective pestering the lab techs to enhance that traffic photo quicker. Lanie detached from Esposito and wiggled over to Beckett, wrapping her arms around her tightly. "How you doing, girl?" she asked, her voice sympathetic and soothing.

"Better," she admitted to her friend. "The doctor says Castle's doing good, that all he really needs is rest."

"Your boy is sure looking better," Esposito commented standing by Castle's bedside.

" _My boy_?" Beckett arched an eyebrow, her voice holding the hint of a warning.

"Er… just a turn of phase," Esposito recovered, casting a look towards Lanie. Beckett smiled and shook her head, knowing that her friend had spilled the beans to her boyfriend about what Beckett had told her last night about Castle's confession and her own feelings.

Beckett sighed, resigning herself to the fact that telling Lanie about stuff was sometimes like plastering it all over the Internet for everyone to see. And if Esposito knew, then that meant Ryan knew as well. Turning around from Lanie, Beckett exchanged places with Esposito at Castle's bedside.

"He'll get better," she stated firmly. "He'll be back to annoying us all at the precinct in no time."

Martha smiled, watching as Beckett slipped her fingers around Castle's hand. "I know my Richard, and that's one thing he will never give up," the older woman said.

She gave Martha a grateful smile. Holding Castle's hand and sitting down in the chair that had been previously occupied by Martha, Beckett looked up at her friends. "So… seriously, any news from the precinct?"

Esposito furrowed his brow and looked like he was debating over whether of not to tell her something. She gave him a hard glare, one that made suspects crack easily. It worked just the same with junior grade detectives. "Chief of Detectives was in earlier," he said.

Beckett restrained a gasp. "What did Reynolds want?" she asked. The Chief of Detectives was never one to come down personally to the precinct to check in on things. He usually sent one of his subordinates.

"He was showing the new captain around," Esposito informed her with a grim look.

"Oh yeah, the new captain…," her voice trailed off. They'd met Bill Blye the day before Montgomery's funeral. He was obviously highly qualified and dedicated. He also understood that he was stepping into some pretty big shoes, and was fully aware that the previous captain of the 12th had been well loved and respected amongst his squad of detectives and uniformed officers, having handpicked many of them himself, like her and the boys. However, they had yet to narrow down what kind of commander Bill Blye would be.

"Apparently Blye and Reynolds go way back," Esposito remarked, bringing her back from her thoughts.

Beckett nodded, half listening. She'd deal with it when the time came. She was yet unsure how Captain Blye would react to Castle. The writer had been annoying at first, but he had warmed the hearts of everyone at the precinct and had become a valuable member of the team. Beckett had yet to take the time to talk to her new boss about it yet, her mind having been focused on Roy Montgomery's sacrifice and the revelations about his past involvement with Raglan and McCallister. Arching her neck to gaze back down at Castle, she gave his hand a squeeze and vowed that she'd do all that was in her power to keep him as her partner. Beckett was too wrapped up in the fact she was even willing to make such a vow that she missed Lanie's question.

"I'm sorry… what did you say?" she asked, knitting her eyebrows together and blushing.

Lanie gave a knowing smile. "I just asked if you'd like to have lunch with me and Javi?"

"Oh…," Beckett went blank, her eyes turning to look at Castle.

"Kate, go," Martha made the decision for her. "Just like it does Alexis good to get some fresh air, it would do you some good as well."

Beckett reluctantly agreed and turned back to look longingly at Castle. She squeezed his hand one more time before getting up and going over to the seating area to grab her jacket.

XXX

She returned from lunch a little later than she would have liked. Beckett had taken her phone and had made Martha swear to give her a call if Castle woke. Since she had received no call, she assumed that the writer was still unconscious. When she got back to the room, Beckett found that her assumptions were correct. Martha was still sitting by Castle's side, flipping through a Broadway review magazine.

The older woman was absorbed in the article she was reading and did not notice Beckett's return. As she turned to drop her jacket on the recliner that had been her bed the previous night, she was suddenly attacked by Alexis. The teen gave her a fierce hug. Then backed way, looking embarrassed. "Sorry, I'm just glad you've come back," Alexis said. "Gram's reading a review of one of her plays."

"This critic doesn't understand that craft, darlings," Martha called over to them. "He completely misses the point of my performance."

"I'm sure he does, mother," came an unmistakable voice.

All three women held their collective breaths for a second; all wondering if what they had heard was real or not. Alexis looked like a ghost with fierce pale blue eyes and fiery hair as she detached from Beckett and glided over to the bed.

"Richard," Martha stood up, looking down with watery eyes and a broad smile.

Beckett felt her throat tighten up as tears threatened. She felt a jumble of emotions, none of which she could properly name at the moment. Her legs felt heavy and she had to force herself to move them. She felt like she had lead feet as she walked around to the other side of the bed. Once at the foot of the bed, she could feel his gaze upon her. Beckett would always be able to tell when he was looking at her. He had spent hours simply watching her do paperwork. Others might have called it creepy, hell she'd even called it creepy at one point, but she loved the way he watched her, observing every one of her mannerisms.

Reaching the other side of the bed, Beckett took a deep breath and looked down, seeing his dark blue eyes gazing up at her with an intensity that left her speechless. Martha and Alexis stood on the other side of the bed, watching with rapt attention. Beckett blushed, feeling both embarrassed and ashamed that his focus was on her now instead of his family.

"Kate?" he murmured, his voice coarse and dry.

"Castle?" she responded, swallowing hard as the emotion grew thicker in her throat.

"I've been shot," he said, looking down at himself with a look that could almost be called amusement, before shifting his eyes back up at her.

"Yes, you have," she sniffled and gave a nod, holding back her tears of joy to finally see him awake and alert.

A funny lopsided smirk formed on his lips. "Hey cool," Castle grinned, giving her a mischievous wink. "I bet I'm going to have a wicked scar. Chicks dig scars, right?" He wiggled his eyebrows like he always did and chuckled, making light of the situation. Then he grimaced and groaned. "Oh god, it hurts to laugh."

"Then don't laugh," Beckett admonished him, sighing and running a hand up and down his arm, before interlacing her fingers with hers.

"Where's the fun in that?" he harrumphed. Castle grinned and she could tell that he hadn't missed the change in how she touched him. The old Beckett would never had held his hand in such a fashion. Castle sighed contently, before turning his head in the direction of Alexis. "Hey there, pumpkin," he said. "I hope daddy didn't scare you too much?"

"Oh Dad!" Alexis cried and wrapped her arms around his neck, hugging him tight.

"Ugh… Alexis, sweetheart, you're hurting me," he choked.

"Oh, right! Sorry!" Alexis flushed in mortification as she quickly pulled back.

Castle smiled softly, then looked over to Martha and held out his hand. "Mother," he said, his eyes truly showing how much he loved his mother.

"Richard, darling," Martha replied, taking his hand and smiling. "It's about damn time you woke up." She chuckled, brightening the mood, and then they all laughed, including Castle, who groaned and coughed afterwards, but was none the worse for wear.

He sighed and leaned his head back in the pillow. Beckett was still gripping his hand tightly. Alexis began speed-talking about everything, and Beckett was a little worried the teen might reveal how distraught she had been, but then she felt his gaze on her. Swallowing, she blinked and looked at him. They locked eyes and she recognized the look that began to fill those dark blues as he stared up at her.

"Kate…," he began in a murmured voice, cutting his daughter off. Alexis stopped mid-sentence and huffed, but then noticed the eye-exchange going on between her father and the detective.

Martha put a hand on Alexis's shoulder. "Come on, sweetie, let's give them some privacy."

As Martha led her granddaughter away, Beckett heard the younger Castle protest. "But Grams… I wanna watch!"

She smiled at that, remembering Alexis saying the very same thing when Beckett had confronted Castle about the name of the character he had based on her.

"Kate?" his voice called her back to the present and Beckett was suddenly aware of how tightly she was gripping his hand.

"Um… yes, Castle?" she blinked, loosening her grip and blushing slightly.

He smiled up at her, flashing her his boyish grin. "You know, I have to say, if you're my nurse, I'm very much looking forward to getting my sponge bath."

"In your dreams, Castle," Beckett snorted and rolled her eyes.  _Awake for less than ten minutes and he's already back to the old Castle, this is going to be fun_.

Castle laughed and then grimaced, remembering his condition. "God, I really do need to take it easy, don't I?" he groaned.

Beckett let out a breath and nodded. "Yes, Castle, you do."

He nodded and sighed, looking up at her. She watched as his expression turned serious. It was not something she saw often, and now seeing him turn serious, she could not help but remember that night a couple of days ago when they had fought and she had told him it was over. Afraid it was going to go there again, Beckett decided to jump in and say what she had wanted to say the moment after he had walked out of her apartment that night.

"We're not over, Castle," she said quickly, before she could change her mind. "You were right. I was wrong. And… and you almost died because of it."

Castle coughed slightly and grinned, his fingers squeezing her hand. "I'm still here, detective," he murmured. "It will take a lot more than a bullet to get rid of the school's funniest kid."

Beckett swallowed hard. "Look, Castle… I… I'm… I am—" she stammered, trying to find a way to apologize.

"I know," he nodded, knitting his eyebrows together. "I forgive you."

She shook her head and the left corner of her mouth turned up in a smirk. "All right," she said. "And  _I_  forgive you."

"Huh?" he furrowed his brow, looking utterly baffled. "Forgive me? For what?"

" _For what_?" she rolled her eyes. "For coming to my apartment that night and being a coward."

"What?  _Being a coward_?" Castle looked completely lost. "Kate… what are you talking about?"

 _Oh God_ , Beckett thought, raising her eyebrows and creasing her brow.  _He doesn't remember. He doesn't remember what he said_. She started to panic. Clenching her jaw shut, she averted her eyes and tried to come up with an excuse, something to hide the fact that she was hurt he did not remember his confession. God, how could she have even expected him to remember?  _You're so stupid, Kate_ , she admonished herself.  _He was bleeding out. He thought he was dying. Of course he was going to say that._

"Kate," she blinked and looked down at him, one eyebrow quirked up as she listened to him. "I know. I remember," he informed her, squeezing her hand and pulling it up, wincing slightly, but he did it anyway, ignoring the pain. And Beckett allowed him to do it. She watched as he pulled her hand to his lips. And then, ever so softly, he pressed a kiss to the back of her hand. "I love you, Kate. And I'm sorry for not saying it sooner. You're right… I was being a coward… I should have told you."

Her walls broke, her defenses caved, and she closed her eyes. She sniffled and tried to suppress the tears. "No, Castle…  _I'm_  the coward," Beckett objected. "I… I shouldn't have been so cold or unfeeling. I should have stopped denying to myself how I felt. It's my fault, not yours."

"But I  _hurt_  you, Kate," he murmured. "It is  _my_  fault. I abandoned you…," his voice choked up. "I saw you with Demming and I gave up. Then when I came back… you… you were with Josh, and I just surrendered. If I wasn't going to be able to have you… then the least I could do was make sure you were happy. I'm sorry. I… I should have fought harder for you. I know I should have."

"No…," Beckett shook her head, a tear escaping and running down her cheek. She brushed it away with a finger and sighed. "I was still in denial… even then. It wasn't your fault."

"I should have called," he remarked, his voice dark and regretful. "During the summer… I should have called. If… If I had, then maybe…"

"Shh," she surprised herself by putting a finger over his lips to silence him. "No… no more what ifs, could haves, or if onlys," she spoke softly. "What matters is now…  _here_." Beckett leaned down over him, bringing her face closer to his. "Richard Castle… I should have done this a long time ago."

"Do what, Detective?"

"This."

Taking one last breath to calm her nerves and worries, sending them away and just living in the moment, Kate Beckett closed her eyes and kissed him… kissed Richard Castle.

**Author's Note:**

> I originally intended this to be a one-shot, but then it got too long. So now it's turned into a multi-chapter story. I have always believed that Castle needed to get shot or injured for Beckett to finally admit her feeling to herself. This is actually what I had expected from the finale, and I am probably just as shocked as everyone else at the ending.  
> I'm interested in knowing how you guys feel about how I dealt with Josh. Since we did not hear that much about him since "LAW & MURDER", I've taken the creative license that Beckett had ended that relationship sometime before "TO LOVE AND DIE IN L.A." and that Royce's letter further reinforced that decision for her. And knowing Beckett, how she keeps things close and doesn't like to share personal things, I think she would not have really told anyone, except for maybe her dad.  
> Anyways, thanks for reading. I'll have the next chapter up shortly.


End file.
